Entries tagged with “My Brain” from Things You Don't Care About

I read two articles recently that made me think a lot about the way I think and how I see myself.  I don't know if I would say I have low self-esteem, but I do know that I am monumentally insecure, and I suspect the vast majority of my most annoying character traits come from that.

First was from Squaremans, his first article in a new series called "The Process."  He discusses the working relationship of three directors, and how an honest dialogue is important to their creative process.  That same sort of relationship is the one I want to have with the people I work with, regardless of the field.  Luckily, where I work now, I do have a very honest relationship with my coworkers -- if I screw up, I can count on them to call me on it and vice versa, and we can all count on each other to own up to our mistakes and point out our own errors.  I'm not sure if I have always been wired this way or it has just grown out of my working environment organically, but now I find it difficult to work without that kind of honest back and forth.  This has, unfortunately, gotten me into a bit of trouble when I work with people who don't work that way, or when I am not in a venue appropriate to that sort of discussion.  The people who know me well can probably guess as to what I'm talking about.  I'm slowly learning to self-censor a little better, but I think I will always crave this sort of brutal honesty.

The second article was Time's "Yes, I Suck: Self-Help Through Negative Thinking," which talks about how affirmations only tend to make people with low self-esteem feel worse.  This is a common problem for me; I tend to feel like the people I'm getting the compliments from are either trying to make me feel better or don't know any better -- yes, I know that sounds arrogant, no, I don't really have any retort to that.  I suspect that's another problem I can blame on my insecurity.  Part of this though, I think, comes from the working environment I talked about above, though.  If I'm not getting a good dose of criticism, I feel like people aren't being honest with me, and it drives me crazy.  The feeling I get is something stronger than simple frustration though, it's almost like I feel like I've been betrayed.  I realize this is probably insane, especially since they are more than likely trying to be nice to me, but I think over the years I've slowly become very suspicious of people who are unwaveringly nice to me.  Probably not the most redeeming quality, but it's hard to break out of.

I'm not sure where this particular aspect of my psychology comes from, but I think it goes pretty far back -- my parents have never been the coddling type.  They have always been very firmly on the side of the "teach a man to fish" philosophy, which has ended up being to my benefit, even if I didn't necessarily think so at the time.  They have always been supportive, but also honest about their feelings, with regard to my work (which, I admit, I sometimes feel they are a little too uncritical of) and everything else about my life, and I've come to expect it.  I really can't thank them enough, but I admit at times it seems like a mixed blessing.